Perchance to Dream
by Professor Pasta
Summary: I am retiring and putting this story up for adoption. See the second chapter for details.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Normally I save my yammering for the end of a story/chapter, but I'm making an exception in this case. This is primarily a horror story, and it will deal with some… pretty heavy subjects. As such, I'll put content warnings for future chapters in this spot. This particular chapter contains some _very_ suggestive themes and dialogue, as well as a young boy experiencing his first erection and all the confusion that comes with it. So nothing too bad… for now.

 **Perchance to Dream**

 **A _Loud House_ fanfiction by Professor Pasta**

 **Chapter One: Joysticks**

The sky above Royal Woods in Lincoln's dream is chocked with thick gray clouds, the color of a dead man's skin.

Lincoln Loud walks down the street in this dream-version of his hometown at the brisk pace of a man on a mission. At eleven years old, Lincoln is the picture of American boyhood; average of height, lanky of build, with an easy-going smile and laughter that can light up a room. His days are carefree, filled with comic books and video games and sci-fi movies. And like most children he is unburdened by the world's harshest problems, having caught only the smallest glimpses of ugly realities of life.

The town is empty, deserted. At this time of day in the real world Royal Woods would be bustling with life, with people strolling down the sidewalk and cars cruising down the street. But such elements are unnecessary in Lincoln's dream. Lincoln himself is unaware that he is asleep; he is not one of the few who can identify when he is dreaming and shape the dream to his will. When he wakes and this world he currently inhabits fades away into oblivion he will recognize the dream for what it was, but for now this nocturnal flight of fancy is Lincoln's entire reality. One of Lincoln's favorites, to be precise.

Lincoln's lips split into a wide grin as he rounds a corner and spies his destination. Gus' Games and Grub stands on the corner of Schwimmer Street and Marshall Drive, its parking lot empty and its windows aglow from the electronic games inside. The arcade/pizzeria is a hot-spot for the children and teens of Royal Woods, attracting youth of all ages with their menu full of greasy pizza and their wide selection of arcade games from the past and present. Gus' would normally be packed on any given day, but in this recurring dream Lincoln has the whole place to himself, the counters lined with pizza that replaces every slice taken, and his pockets heavy with an infinite supply of quarters. Practically bursting with excitement, Lincoln runs up, throws open the double doors and-

-and pauses. From inside comes the sound of one of the games being played.

Lincoln's smile falters as he looks to the left and right. To the left is the restaurant area, half-a-dozen steaming pizzas resting on the serving counter, topped with and extra cheese and pepperoni. Lincoln ignores the savory temptations and instead ventures to the right, into the arcade proper. The cabinets tower over Lincoln, forming a labyrinth of video games. Lincoln walks past _Pac-Guy_ and _Mrs. Pac-Guy_ , past _Galactiga_ and _Honkey Kong_ , past _Millipede_ and _Dance Battle_ , ignoring the screens prompting him to insert a quarter to play.

As he moves deeper and deeper into the arcade, the sounds of one game in particular – the _thwacks_ of blows landing and the _oomphs_ of impacts – become louder, echoing through the empty room. The cabinets grow taller and press closer together, leaving barely enough room for Lincoln to squeeze through them. The air is bone-chilling cold, the overhead lights are dim, and the clouds outsider grow thicker, not allowing even a single ray of sunlight to break through.

Finally Lincoln squeezes through bottleneck passage of the games, ending up in a dark corner of the arcade. The only light comes from the screen of a _Street Brawler II_ cabinet in the corner, and standing in front of it is a girl – a woman, actually. She's in her late teens or early twenties, with fiery red hair tied back in a twisted ponytail, dressed in a black belly shirt and tight blue jeans.

Up until now, Lincoln has never really noticed girl's bodies before. He knows that girls' and boys' bodies are different in very important ways – he has ten sisters, after all – but hasn't felt the need or temptation to really _look_ at girls. But now he finds his eyes traveling up and down this mystery girl's body, his gaze lingering on the exposed skin on the small of her back, her shapely legs, and especially her jeans clinging tightly to her peach-shaped bottom.

For what seems like an eternity Lincoln stands there staring, unsure of what to do. The woman gives no indication that she's even aware of his presence, all of her focus on the virtual fight playing out on the screen in front of her.

Then after what sounds like a particularly brutal flurry of blows, she throws a quick glance over her shoulder, and Lincoln lets out a small gasp. She's beautiful. Her skin is smooth and flawless, free from the slightest mark or blemish, and her features are perfectly symmetrical. Soft pink lips rest beneath a cute button nose, and above it are a pair of striking yellow eyes, capped off with gently curling eyelashes and thin red eyebrows. She gives him a smile, showing off a mouthful of perfectly straight, almost-blindingly white teeth.

"Hiya Lincoln," she says, then turns her attention back to the game.

Lincoln remains frozen in place.

"I don't bite, you know," the mystery woman says, not looking away from the game. "You can come up here."

Lincoln still doesn't move for a long while. Then – very slowly, as if tiptoeing across a minefield – he makes his way up to the cabinet and the woman.

Onscreen, a blond man in a red karate uniform is exchanging blows with a green-skinned man who is crackling with electricity. The health bars near the top identify the blond as Ben and the green guy as Blarga. The mystery girl is apparently controlling Ben, judging by the way he responds to her button presses and movements of the joystick. And from the way Blarga's health bar is nearly empty while Ben's was barely touched, this woman was an expert at Street Brawler.

Speaking of her, Lincoln steals another glance at his companion, and his surprised to see that he is mistaken about her eyes; they're not yellow, they're blue. A gorgeous shade of blue, like the sky on a cloudless summer day. So beautiful that Lincoln wonders how he _ever_ could have mistaken them for that garish shade of yellow.

Any further musings on her eyes are swiftly dashed when Lincoln's own eyes travel lower. The woman's breasts are quite large and her shirt collar dips _very_ low, exposing an ample amount of cleavage. Again, these aren't the parts of a woman Lincoln normally pays attention to, but now he finds himself unable to look away. He stares transfixed into her valley, her breasts like two perfect scoops of vanilla ice cream.

 _They'd look even better with some whipped topping_ , Lincoln thinks, then blinks in shock. _What the he_ _ck_ _, where did_ that _come from? And "_ _whipped topping"? W_ _hat does that even-_

"You're not much for talking are you?" The woman asks, snapping Lincoln out of thoughts. Lincoln quickly looks back up, worried that she caught him staring, but her bright blue eyes

( _weren't they yellow before?_ )

remain focused on the screen. "Let me guess; your parents told you never to talk to strangers?"

Still unsure of what to say, Lincoln just nods.

"Well I can't fault them for that. After all, there are a lot of creeps and weirdos out there. Still, these one-sided conversations are getting a little awkward. So! My name, Lincoln, is Nicole Chambers. And you are Lincoln Loud." Nicole steals a quick sideways glance at Lincoln, her lips curling up in a smirk. "Guess we're not strangers anymore, huh?"

Lincoln is taken aback slightly, but finds himself chuckling at Nicole's logic. "No, I guess not."

"That's better," Nicole says as she focuses back on the screen. "Felt like I was talking to myself there for a while."

Onscreen, an uppercut from Ben sends Blarga flying and depletes his last sliver of health. Ben celebrates with a fist pump as Blarga's unmoving form is replaced by a new challenger, a burly man in a red uniform with a billowing black cape and the moniker of L. Buffalo. Odd names, these characters have.

"So you come here often?" Nicole asks as she sends Ben forward to begin the fight.

"Yeah, I love Gus' Games and Grub," Lincoln says. "I come here with my friends all the time. All these games are super fun, and their pizza is great."

"Oh the pizza here is _fantastic._ Pepperoni is your favorite, right?"

Lincoln's eyes widen and he smiles. "Yeah! How'd you know?"

Nicole smirks again. "Call it a lucky guess. What kind of games do you like to play?"

"Well _Dance Battle_ is my favorite, but I also like _Pac-Guy, Dig Doug, Fix-It Felix Jr., Domicile of the Dead…_ Heck, I think I've played just about every game here at least once. Even _Street Brawler II_."

"No kidding? You want next game?"

Lincoln shrugs. "Nah. It's a good game, but not my favorite. Besides..." He looks up to see that Buffalo is down to half his health, while Ben has barely been scratched, "I'm nowhere near as good as you are."

Nicole chuckles. "Well I have been doing this a long time. Wanna know the secret to mastering this game?"

"Sure."

"It's all about the joystick. The joystick controls all of the combos in the game. You've gotta know how to work it, when and where to move it. Watch how I do it."

Intrigued, Lincoln looks down at Nicole's right hand. Her slender digits are wrapped around the joystick, quickly moving it in all directions. Her fingers dance across the rigid plastic, her palm slowly glides up and down the shaft, and her thumb gently flicks the tip. It is perhaps the strangest way Lincoln has ever seen someone hold a video game joystick.

Strange… and oddly tantalizing.

"You're uh..." Lincoln licks his lips, which are suddenly very dry. "You're really good at that."

"Like I said," Nicole replies, her tone lower… huskier. "I've been doing this a _long_ time. I know how to work a joystick."

Her left hand leaves the console's buttons to gently cup Lincoln's chin, bringing his head up. Nicole turns her head from the screen and fixes Lincoln with a sultry gaze, her crystal blue

( _yellow yellow I swear they were)_

eyes staring deep into his.

"Want me to play with _your_ joystick, Lincoln Loud?" Nicole asks.

"W-wh-what?" Lincoln stammered in response.

But Nicole Chambers had ceased to exist.

Blinking in bewilderment, Lincoln sat up and looked around. Gus' Games and Grub was gone. Lincoln was in his bedroom in his home, warm morning sunlight filtering through the single window.

From directly below he could hear the muffled sounds of his sisters and father chatting in the kitchen. He looked over at his alarm clock and saw the time was seven forty-eight am.

"A dream," Lincoln said, rubbing his forehead as reality asserted itself. "It was all just a dream..."

Still, _what_ a dream. Lincoln couldn't recall ever having a dream quite like that. Already, most of the details had faded away into oblivion, but a few key features were fixed firmly in his mind: Gus' Games and Grub, _Street Brawler II_ … and Nicole. Oh, Lincoln remembered Nicole all right. He remembered everything about her: the intense blue

( _or were they yellow_ )

of her eyes, the lilting sweetness of her voice, the full roundness of her jean-clad butt, the gentle curves of her bosom, and the strange yet enticing way she held the-

Something hard poked Lincoln in the stomach.

Startled, Lincoln threw off his blanket. Whatever was on him seemed to be _in_ his pants, and moved with his own movements. Perplexed and starting to panic, Lincoln hooked his thumbs into his waistband, pulling down his orange pajama pants and briefs in one swift motion.

Lincoln's eyes went completely round.

"… Whoa."

That… was new.

Lincoln sat still as a statue, his eyes locked on his genitals. It was the same penis he had his whole life, the same penis he had seen millions of times before. Every one of those times, it had always been a limp, fleshy tube. But now it was swollen. And hard. _Very_ hard. As though someone had replaced his manhood with a steel ingot.

Lincoln's first assumption was that he had been bitten by some sort of insect in his sleep, but he didn't see any sort of bite marks, nor did he feel any pain. He didn't feel anything except the hardness, really.

Curious, he pictured Nicole in his mind. He fixed an image of her in his head, standing in front of the _Street Brawler II_ cabinet. He imagined her bending forward as she played the game, sticking her shapely rear out towards him. He imagined her throwing him a flirtatious look over her shoulder and wiggling her hips…

Lincoln's penis twitched involuntarily, and he felt a brief jolt of… something.

Pleasure?

Very slowly, as if about to handle a delicate piece of fine china, Lincoln reached down…

* * *

"Hey guys, listen to this," Luan said to her sisters and father, looking down at the day's copy of _Royal Woods Post_. The six of them were down in the dining room, just finishing up breakfast. "Apparently some maniac broke into a supermarket last night and sexually assaulted several boxes of Cheerios, Fruit Loops and Rice Crispies before running off into the night."

The rest of the assembled family looked up from what they were doing – Lori and Leni from their phones, Luna from her guitar, Lynn from her nearly-empty plate of bacon and eggs, and family patriarch Lynn Sr. from adding sugar to his coffee – to regard Luan with varying degrees of skepticism, confusion and disgust.

"Someone _actually_ did that?" Lori asked slowly, arching an eyebrow. Luan nodded.

"Oh yeah, they've got the whole story right here. It's under the headline..." Luan looked up and stopped fighting to keep the grin off her face, "'Cereal Rapist on the Loose!'"

The rest of the sisters groaned and rolled their eyes as Luan laughed at her own joke, along with her father.

"Good one, honey!" Lynn Sr. said, sipping his coffee. Normally he and his wife Rita had strict rules about Luan and dirty jokes (as with all their teenage children and certain content) to keep the younger kids from being exposed to things they weren't ready for. He made an exception on this particular June morning, however; Lincoln still hadn't joined them for breakfast, Lucy was sleeping over at her friend Haiku's house, and Lana and Lola were away at a weekend Bluebell camp-out. As for Lisa, Lily and Rita…

"So how long is Lisa's ethics hearing?" Lynn asked after swallowing her last mouthful off eggs.

"Rita said it should only last about an hour, but then she was going to take them shopping to get new shoes for Lily," Lynn Sr. replied.

Luna frowned, pausing in the middle of strumming a chord. "Ethics hearing?"

"At the university where Lisa give lectures and sometimes does research," Lori clarified. Luna still looked confused, and Lori frowned. "Haven't you been paying attention? She's literally been complaining about it for the last week."

Luan put her thumbs and forefingers together in circles around her eyes and spoke in a nasally imitation of her second-youngest sister. " _Oh sure, its fine for me to study a lab monkey as it dies of syphilis. But splice its DNA with that of a saltwater crocodile and suddenly I've gone too far._ "

This earned a round of laughter from everyone, though Lynn Sr's was more awkward than the rest.

"Yeah," he said slowly, rubbing the back of his head, "one of these days Rita and I _really_ need to have a chat with Lisa about ethical boundaries."

Luan set her hands down and perked up. "Oh speaking of animals, I've got another one. What do you call a woman having sex with a dog in an elevator?"

Lynn shrugged. "I dunno. Disgusting?"

"Wrong on so many levels!" Luan replied. She and Lynn Sr. laughed again, while Leni gave her a look of confusion.

"Wait, you don't think bestiality is gross?" Leni asked. Now Luan looked confused.

"What? No, its horrible. Heck, I even said so in the joke."

"Then why did say Lynn was wrong when she said it was disgusting?"

"No no no, that's the _punchline_. It's a play on words. You see an elevator-" Luan scowled and stopped. "Ah forget it. Rule number one of comedy; never explain the joke."

While this was going on, Lynn Sr. glanced towards the plate he had set aside for Lincoln and frowned. Steam no longer rose from the eggs and sausage, and the meat was starting to congeal. He turned to look at the wall clock and saw that it was ten after eight.

"Is Lincoln _still_ sleeping?" he asked, glancing up towards the ceiling. "I know it's summer, but jeez."

"I'll go wake him," Luna said, standing up and setting down her guitar. "Gotta ask Linc if he can help me with some song lyrics today anyways."

Luna left the dining room. As she started up the stairs, Luan perked up again and leaned forward.

"Okay before Lincoln comes down I've got one more joke," she said, grinning from ear to ear, "and this is probably my filthiest one yet. So a priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar and are approached by three gay prostitutes. Now the rabbi says-"

" _AAAAHHH!_ "

A boy's blood-curdling scream came from the second floor, making everyone in the dining room jump and cry out in shock.

" _Oh God sorry sorry sorry sorry!_ " They heard Luna's raspy voice yell, followed by the sound of a door being slammed.

The rest of the Louds dropped what they were doing and raced to the living room in a heartbeat. When they got there, they found Luna standing at the top of the stairs, gripping the banister tight. Her face was pale, her lips were pressed together in a tight line, and her eyes were wide and unblinking.

"Luna!" Lynn Sr. said as he ran up to her, the rest of his daughters close behind. "Luna, what's wrong?"

"We heard screaming," Lori said, "what happened?"

"Are you okay?" Leni asked, concerned. "Is Lincoln okay?"

"Yup," Luna said, giving a small nod as she continued to stare off into nothing. "Yeah, Lincoln's fine. He's up… in more ways than one."

There was a moment of silence as the rest of the family exchanged confused looks.

"What are you talking about?" Lynn asked.

"Well when I came up to check on Lincoln he was… He was ma…" Luna paused and swallowed loudly, a tint of green spreading across her face. "He was uh… dancing with himself."

Everyone just stared at Luna.

"You know, he was turning Japanese." More stares. "Cocking his love gun? Using the self-service pump at the gas station of love?" Luna finally looked towards them, a pleading look on her face. "Oh come on guys, please don't make me say it."

One by one, comprehension dawned.

"Oh." Lynn Sr. said, his eyes widening. " _Ohhhh._ "

"Oh jeez," Lori said, cringing.

"Like, yuck," Leni said, gagging.

"Yikes," Luan said with a wince.

"Awk-ward," Lynn said, recoiling.

Silence ensued.

"Um, girls?" Lynn Sr. said, looking back down the stairs. "Why don't you take Luna downstairs and have her sit down. I'll, uh… I'll go talk to Lincoln."

"Sure thing Dad," Lori said, nodding. She moved past him and gently took Luna's hand. "Come on, Luna."

Resuming her thousand-yard stare, Luna allowed Lori to lead her down the steps, the rest of the sisters falling back to give them room.

"Are you okay, Luna?" Leni asked, putting a comforting hand on Luna's shoulder.

"I've seen things no older sister should ever see..." Luna replied numbly as the five girls rounded the corner into the dining room.

Lynn Sr. climbed the rest of the stairs, then turned and approached his son's door.

"Lincoln?" he asked, knocking gently. "Lincoln, its me. I wanted to talk about… what just happened. Can I come in?"

No response.

"Are… are you decent?"

From the other side of the door came a tiny, " _Yes..._ "

Lynn Sr. took a deep breath to calm his frayed nerves, then opened the door. Lincoln was lying on his bed in his orange pajamas, curled up and facing the wall.

"So…" Lynn Sr. began as he closed the door. "Luna says you were-"

"Dad I am _so_ sorry!" Lincoln said, suddenly, sitting up in bed. Guilt and shame and embarrassment were written across his face, and his eyes were welling up with tears. "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened! I-I-I just had this dream and when I woke up I was… I was all _stiff_ down there and I don't know why it was like that and it felt so _weird_ and I swear I didn't mean to-"

"Whoa whoa Lincoln!" Lynn Sr. interrupted, holding his hands up with his palms out. "Lincoln, calm down. Just take deep breaths. Deep breaths son."

Lincoln did so. At first his breathing was rapid, but after a few seconds of taking big gulps of air his breaths became steady.

"Better?" Lynn Sr. asked, and Lincoln nodded. "Good. Now first things first; you didn't do anything wrong, and you're not in trouble."

Lincoln looked up. "But Luna-"

"Luna forgot to knock and walked in on you in a… very private moment. She's a little shocked right now, but she'll be fine. Right now, this is about you."

Lynn Sr. crossed the room at sat down next to his son. "Okay, back up for a second. You said something about a dream?"

"Yeah," Lincoln said with a nod. "A really weird dream."

"And were there any… girls in this dream?"

Lincoln hesitated, the blush returning to his cheeks as he remembered Nicole. "… There was _a_ girl."

Lynn Sr. nodded in understanding. "I thought so. Lincoln, what happened to you this morning was perfectly natural."

"It was? Even… even what I started doing?"

"Yes, even that. In fact, it's a sign that you're ready for us to have a talk. A little man-to-man talk."

Lincoln's brow furrowed in confusion, then his eyes went wide as realization hit like an eighteen-wheeler running over a raccoon. Dreams about girls. His body changing in strange ways. And now his dad wanting to have a talk.

Not _a_ talk. _The_ talk.

"Uh, that's really not necessary," Lincoln said quickly, plastering on a fake smile. "I'm already feeling a _lot_ better. In fact, I should probably go get some breakfast-"

"No no, this is important," Lynn Sr. insisted. "You'll probably have a class on this at some point, but there are some things a boy needs to learn from his father. Now you experienced was your body's way of reacting around girls you think are attractive. And as I'm sure you've already figured out, when this happens you're going to get… certain urges. And it's perfectly normal to want to explore those urges."

Lincoln's cheeks began to light up once more as he cringed. "Dad, please-"

"In the privacy of your own room, of course. I'll have a chat with all your sisters to remind them to knock and get permission before coming in. On that note, make sure you give them the same courtesy. Heh, we wouldn't want a repeat of this morning now would we?"

Lincoln's face was the color of a ripe tomato. " _Dad!_ "

"Now if you're anything like me and your grandfather, the next thing you'll start noticing is the body hair. Lots and lots of body hair. I mean like, a _jungle_ of the stuff. It's important to remember…"

Lincoln groaned and buried his face into his hands.

 _Somebody kill me…_

* * *

 **Author's Note:** And there you have chapter one of my first ever _Loud House_ horror story. What's so scary about a boy going through puberty? Oh, you'll see.

As always, feel free to drop a review and let me know what you think. Was this chapter creepy? Too creepy? Not creepy enough? If so, don't worry: things will get worse from here. _Much_ worse.

And I know I say this a lot, but once again: If anyone has any constructive criticism or comments, _please_ don't hesitate to let me know. Aside from being my first ever horror story, this will also be some of my most serious writing in terms of subject matter, and I want to make sure I show the proper respect. On that note, for the first time ever I'm going to ask if anyone is out there willing to be my beta-reader/editor. Like I said, I'm taking this story _very_ seriously.

Oh and before any of you wanna be like "ew lincoln is 11 he's too young for that stuff u perv" (you know who you are) let me stop you right there. A) While twelve-thirteen is the average age most boys start going through puberty, boys can start showing signs as young as eleven and even ten, according to both scientific studies and my own personal experience. And B) It's fictional. Get over it.

Until the next chapter, this is Professor Pasta signing off.

 **The Loud House is owned by Nickelodeon and Viacom, while Nicole Chambers was created and is owned by me. Please support the official release.**


	2. Adoption Announcement

Hello everyone, Professor Pasta here with an announcement, as you probably guessed from the updated summary.

First off, I am indeed retiring from fanfiction writing, at least temporarily. While I am still a fan of the Loud House and watch it regularly, I simply don't have the time to write fanfiction or be truly involved with the fan community. Almost all of my time for the last few months has revolved around work; both my new night shift (which has great pay but longer hours) and the fact that I'm working on starting my own small business to market a device I've invented that has helped with my factory's quality process. While I still love writing and do still hope to make a career of it one day, that day won't be until far off in the future, whereas this invention of mine could potentially start earning me extra money as early as later this year. I'll most likely return to writing fanfiction someday, maybe under the Professor Pasta moniker or a new name entirely. But for now, I have to face facts that I have something more important to dedicate my time to. For the few people out there who enjoyed my stories, I hope you all understand.

Which leads me to my second point: of my two ongoing stories (not counting the Lucy/Rocky anthology) Perchance to Dream is the one that I don't want to see fall into the limbo of dead fanfiction. Though I never got around to writing more of it, I do have basically the entire story outlined, along with pages of notes detailing key story events. So if anyone out there would like to adopt and continue Perchance to Dream, send me a private message.

Oh, and FanBoy-Guest? In regards to the Night Flier, I'm sorry but that story was dead on arrival. I wrote the whole thing in a one-day fever pitch, and as a result of my impatience I failed to think the backstory through properly, meaning a LOT of plot elements simply made little to no sense. If you or anyone else wants to do anything with the concept of Lucy being a vampire superhero (I think there's at least one other story on this site doing that), be my guest.

Thank you all once again for making me feel welcome in this community, and I hope to see you all again some day.

This is Professor Pasta, signing off.


End file.
